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CHAPTER 1
"ALL THAT IS NOT GIVEN IS LOST"
Blame me not for what you haven't seen.
I'm riding a rainbow in the sky.
Got to leave the place I've been; yet,
I still don't have the wings to fly...
Frankie Johnny Messina Jr.
17 years old - 1978 |
My greatest escape all my life has been writing. Then I escaped to
bars, drinking way too much, and dancing to the rhythm of the night. Delusions
of grandeur would overcome me, and life seemed okay for a while. Not focusing
on any one thing, I soon found my life becoming very thin. I built walls
around me that no one could knock down, or help me get out of, for no one knew
that I was even there. I would drink beer after beer, with each disappearing
into a cushioned, always-happy world of smiling people, reassuring hugs and
kisses ,non-hostile faces, new feelings inside my head and body that I had
never noticed. I felt that as long as I was out, I could escape to my private
hideaway to build a secret creation. One that looked like me, only on those
times that I would be in the bathroom alone, get very close into the
mirror, look into and behind very bright, bloodshot eyes, usually say
something like, "Hey! Are you still in there?" My reply would always be
"Yes," so I felt that I was still fine. I knew, thought, that I wasn't.
Moving to Orlando in 1989, I felt very disoriented, and my world seemed to
be upside down. Even the water wasn't the same. You know when a bath even
feels different you are not near familiar surroundings. Orlando was a
beautiful city, very new and changing. I saw a chance to make a change in
myself. I first needed to see who this person whom I was smothering with so
much work and stress was. I needed to look at myself again. Just as I had done
many times before. I felt that this would be the last.
CAGED BIRD
SO YOU TREATED ME TO A FLAKE OF YOUR LIFE
JUST WHEN WE MET, YOU TURNED AWAY, WALKED WITH REMORSE,
TOLD YET MORE LIES, LAID WITH MORE SHADOWS, AND JUSTIFIED YOURSELF INTO A
BOX.
RUNNING TO CATCH YOUR BREATH, YOU FELL, TRIPPED ON A MEMORY. ONE THAT GROWS
LIKE GRASS ON EMPTY SEAS.
THE ONE THING WITH DUST GATHERED IN THE CORNERS, HELD THE PRIZE, THE MODEL,
THE MAN.
FRAZZLED ON FIRST SIGHT, POLISHED WITH TIME, RIPPING AND TEARING AWAY AT ITS
SIDES LIKE A FRIGHTENED CAGED BIRD.
LONGING FOR FREEDOM,
EYES OF BLACK,
INTERNAL INJURIES,
POUNDING OF A HEART WITH NO ONE HOLDING IT.
NO ONE TAKING NOTICE OF THE TIMES A BEAT IS SKIPPED.
WAITING FOR A SHAKE, A STARE, AN ATTEMPT TO MIMIC.
WHAT A WONDERFUL RELEASE IT IS TO BE NOTICED.
WHEN THE BOX OPENED, SO DID...
MY WORLD.
Working 14-hour days in a restaurant and trying to have a social life is a
very hard thing to do. I felt in Orlando, I had fallen again. I got laid off of
my job because of payroll cuts, and this seemed like a good thing to me. Soon
after that, I was in a major car accident, and came out purely by fate. I
felt I had been given a chance now to realize just how lucky I was just to
be alive. I needed to make a change once and for all. No more lying, no more
deceiving, and no more procrastination. During my layoff and recovery from my
wreck, I began writing more, making art pieces, and setting goals again. I
felt that with every new poem, or every new piece I had begun the long
process of finding myself. Not being afraid to be myself. Come what may. I
could feel whole and finish something. Had I finally achieved something
substantial? Yes.
SO YOU WANT TO LABEL ME?
AUGUST 1990
LABELS ARE FOR THOSE WHO WANT AN END TO THE FIGHT.
THE FIGHT BETWEEN YES OR NO, SILVER OR GOLD, BLACK OR WHITE, FLEE OR FIGHT.
LABELS ARE FOR INSECURITY,
CURIOSITY, AND GREED.
LABELS ARE FOR LOVE .........
OR FREE LOVE.
LABELS MAKE ME MAD.
LABELS LIMIT YOURSELF.
LABELS JUST PLAIN LIMIT.
ONCE IT'S PLACED, THE POTENTIAL IS FINISHED.
POTENTIAL FOR GROWTH, FRIENDSHIP, AND LOVE.
NARROW THE VIEW, IF YOU WANT TO.
TAKE THE PHOTOGRAPH, ONLY IF YOU MUST FREEZE THE MOMENT.
IF YOU WANT TO TIE ME DOWN,
CAPTURE MY SPIRIT,
CLIP MY WINGS,
THEN DO IT ............. LABEL ME
Financial problems mounted as I was waiting to become full time at Disney. I
moved from an apartment with a roommate, and I found a small garage apartment
that was very much in need of work. Yet, I needed a place to stay, and the
price was incredible ($240/month). I had been on unemployment, had a car that
ran seldom. My will to go on was on a downswing again. I had very little self-esteem, and
the only place that I depended on was that little bar around the
corner, escaping again.
Things continued downward in this little apartment. There were a lot of
problems that I had not planned on. I thought that the newly painted white
walls would give that "new start" feeling. I always say, "when in doubt,
paint it white or black." The floor was so many different tile designs, I
felt that one color was good for it, too. I liked red. A red floor it was. I
didn't keep up with the bills at all. I totally went to the extreme, and
wanted to become more non-materialistic. Normal conveniences didn't matter
any more. No phone, no cable, and yes, finally the electricity was shut off. I
was forced to hook up to my neighbor (at Apartment B), with his permission, by
way of five white extension cords. I say now that this is when I lived life
by a thread (cord, as it was). I took showers at friends'. I let myself fall
so far, until one night, I even let the cord stay unplugged. In the darkness, I
wrote this poem and this has got to be the end of that life, and the life
that I have now.
NOTE FROM CURLY DARK
MARCH 4, 1993
YOU CHOOSE YOUR OWN DESTINY.
TONIGHT I SIT BY CANDLELIGHT FOR THE LAST TIME. A SINGLE FLAME, BURNING
SOLO, LIGHTS THE ROOM WITH A LONELY THICK OF HEAVY AIR. MY FACE MUSCLES PULL
DOWNWARD, AS TEARS SOAK THE SIDES OF MY LULLING NECK.
NO SOUND IN THE HOUSE.
IN THE DISTANCE, I HEAR INTERSTATE 4'S ROAR OF IT'S TAKEOVER OF THE CITY. A
SIREN LEAVES AS SOON AS IT CAME. A COOL BREEZE PASSES THROUGH, AND ON ITS
PATHWAY, MY FEELINGS FOR YOU ARE BEING CARRIED AWAY.
GO AWAY, YOU THIEF! HAVEN'T YOU CAUSED ENOUGH PAIN? LEAVE ME BARE, HURT, AND
ALONE. JUST THE FACT THAT I WAS IGNORED TONIGHT HAS TWISTED THE KNIFE AGAIN,
AND NOT IN THE WAY THAT I THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD. I LOVE YOU WITH MORE FORCE
THAN I'VE EVER FELT. WE MET ON A CLOUD; NOW IT SEEMS WE'RE UNDER IT. I'M
LOST FOR DIRECTION.
ARE MY FEELINGS NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU? MY PASSION FOR YOU HAS NOT DIED. MY LOVE
FOR MYSELF HAS NOT DIED, EITHER. IT'S A MEAN THING, LOVE IS. IT TAKES
CONTROL, AND LEAVES YOU A MANNEQUIN. MANIPULATED, CAPTURED, AND ALWAYS IN
SERVICE TO YOUR CONTROLLER.
WATCH ME GO UP, WATCH ME GO DOWN. LET GO OF THE STRINGS, AND WATCH ME FALL TO
THE GROUND. LAYING LIFELESS ON THIS STAGE, MY HEART POUNDS ,AND POUNDS, AND
POUNDS.
ASKING FOR HELP TO GET BACK ON MY FEET IS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS. I'LL BE THE
FIRST TO NOT DENY THAT! SO I'M WEAK. WHEN I'M IN LOVE LIKE THIS, I FIND
STRENGTH IN MY WEAKNESS.
YOU CHOOSE YOUR OWN DESTINY.
Soon after this night, I took charge. I quit drinking every night. Got the
electricity turned back on. I cared about myself again, and life turned again
for the better. It can be done! I can only hope to be an example for others
who think that they cannot be in charge of what happens to them. The strength
IS INSIDE OF YOU!!!
FEBRUARY 3, 1993
There is a feeling in my soul that better days are ahead. Once you've
reached bottom, there's only one place to go ... UP! Yet, that's when life's
circles start repeating themselves. Just as the brass ring keeps staying out
of reach with each turn of the merry-go-round, so does my idea of a perfect
life for myself. Surely it's not what I have now. I've had to start over (I
had to). The life that I built for myself was not a solid one. I sped so
fast that I missed some important lessons along the way. The true meaning of
love, the correct way to appreciate friends, and how to love yourself. By
giving so much away, my life became very thin (no weight to it). So, in this
realization, I looked at my shallow, weary self in the mirror. With one
great effort, I threw my image, this person called Frankie, completely out of
sight. Now. Instead of running with this person so fast, and not stopping to
enjoy the quality of life. I can watch this faint dot of a man running back
toward me. With each step, nearing myself, the distant figure - in a sense -
has a protector. A guardian angel of sorts. The person is me! I will this time
not let any harm come to Frankie, and in turn he will not hurt anyone or
anything. The closer he gets, the stronger I become. Joining at the end of
this journey, I will be invincible! Now life can continue at it's best
ever. That time is now! No more regrets, No more apologies, No more lonely
mornings. I'll look in the mirror, and see beyond the reflection. There will
be a very thick life, padded with love, pride and respect. I will finally
love myself. Which opens up myself to love others and let them love me
back. That's the most difficult part. To take without feeling guilty. Give to
others, but not so much that it harms you, and makes your life PAPER THIN.
Be your own best friend. Live happy! |
So, I called my closest friends together on June 11th, 1993.Fifteen people
toasted to the beginning of something that I decided to call APARTMENT E. I
wanted this name to be a reminder always of the place in my life -
physically, mentally and emotionally - that I found myself. An Apartment E
party is a forum of good feelings and warmth. If nothing was to ever happen
on the stage, the night would still be a success, because of the people.
Welcome to a new way of life in Orlando! On this journey called life, only
fools never stop to enjoy the people around them everyday, and to rejoice in
the fact of just being alive. Many talented souls that didn't get to finish
their lives on earth have a way of becoming part of the living. I have a new
sense of accomplishment that I didn't have before, and this same willpower
that I'm holding is the passion that burns in me called "Apartment E." I
believe psychologists call is closure. Meaning in order to open up new
feelings and emotions, one must complete or close situations that were either
good or bad, and move on. On to a spot in life, where happiness or more
learning experiences await.
The message was simple. Survival. I had been through a lot in my lifetime. I
didn't know what depths I had fallen to. Then one, dark lonely night, I was
given an ultimatum by that one person, myself. All the time it was only me
that kept my innermost dreams, wishes, and fears locked up inside this
5-foot, 8-inch frame for safekeeping. They were not to be unlocked until the
time was right
......... it's time!
Blame me for what you see.
I'm riding a rainbow into the sky.
I've left the place I've been,
and I have the wings to fly.
Frank Johnny Messina Jr.
33 years old - 1995
Destiny is not determined, and if it is, 'Why can't I believe it?" I'll just
live with this passion for as long as it takes for me to reach my
goals. Thanks for coming along for the ride. Please spread the word. Word of
mouth only has nurtured my baby, and we have a long way to go! As a child, I
used to find great joy in acceptance. I was always striving for it. I
discovered that I internalized anger, and held it inside until I couldn't see
any way out of the circle of fire that I had lit in hopes of making a
statement. That would be my ultimate prize, acceptance. It's so hard to be
heard when you are wearing a mask. Was my face not true enough? Did my state
of nothingness not cause you to wonder? Did that little boy lying so still
under the covers - hiding from those cruel things that seemed to disappear
within his own blanket barricade - not spark a thought or a question of why
I was there at all? I stuttered, for God's sake! I built pedestals for
people. I lifted my eyes to look up at you. Surely my eyes reflect my soul.
I feel its presence whenever I look at you. No love could be greater. If so,
then angels already know your name. The breeze from their wings spell it out,
my mind recites it over and over. Strength and sensitivity leave their
marks. Rolled into it all, lies the child resting in your loving hand.
As you watch the second hand of time, is it being pushed into the future or
pushed into the past? Our time on earth is precious. As a baby, we come into
this world, innocent, searching for knowledge, needing love. When a mother
holds her baby, isn't it the same love, no matter what country she lives in?
When love is shared, is it not universal? When you look in the mirror, don't
you see the person you have created? Why escape from yourself? Stand and
fight! We are the living! So many souls have gone from our conscious
existence. They are no longer with us. That person standing beside you IS
HERE! When all the arguing, fighting, and hurting is over, that person you see
is the living. Don't pass up the chance to make a positive mark. Let down the
walls that are preventing you from being what you need to be. No more
restrictions! Love unconditionally! Look forward to what a new day will
bring! Make it happen. Just DROP THE BOX!! One voice can be heard. One thought
can be shared. You count! We are the living! |
|
Chapter 2 HE WHO GIVES TO ME,
TEACHES ME TO GIVE |
In this world of selfishness and a constant desire for more of life's
material possessions, I often wonder if everyone thinks of the things that I
do. Not to say that I'm ever guilty of wanting more material things and
luxury conveniences. Designer clothes, a more respectable job. I've been
taught, though, to always count my blessings. They are numerous, and I feel
that my mission or agenda for this expression called Apartment E is, in my
small way, a vehicle that others can see the beauty in life itself. To look
at not only the outside, but to turn the importance to what's on the inside,
and to see what others are really made of. More importantly, to see what
they themselves are made of. To answer to this call of action as I feel that
I am, I held on to Apartment E. Whether it was outside forces that made me
literally stop the downward circle of destruction that I was headed for, or
just that little voice inside my head that kept saying, "This ain't it." I
stand by the fact that I took a strong look at myself, didn't like what I
saw, and made a change.
"BLOOM WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED."
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think that I'm too grown to
learn. Everything I experience, everyone I meet. I see it or them as an
opportunity to be taught. If someone comes in contact with me, and looks at
life a little differently, or looks to me for advice or encouragement, then
I am thankful to God for allowing me to be a carrier of His blessings. On
the other hand, if others are disappointed by my words or my actions, I
believe that is when the biggest lessons are taught. Deep down, everyone
knows right from wrong. Not everyone looks at life the same, though. To
think that my ideas are always right is wrong (and downright ridiculous!).
Yet, to feel that this idea APARTMENT E is a very positive influence on a
lot of people, then I am proud to be called the founder. I am interested in
stirring people's lives up - not getting involved with their lives. They can
then hopefully find their center, then their own individual style will guide
them, and give them the insight into their role in this life.
My biggest hope is that no one will remain passive or indifferent. That's
not my job. It's up to the individual. There is no underlying event or
reason for Apartment E's creation. It's just something I wanted to do. I
have this saying that I'm always working toward simplicity. When I began
promoting the parties, I had to overcome a lot of labels and ideas about
what I was doing.
People could not just accept the fact that I only wanted to provide an open
arena of cultural exchange, unlike any other that I'd experienced before. I
had gotten so tired of meeting talented individuals and seeing them not be
true to themselves. I've known talented people all of my life. I've never
felt the need to give then that little encouragement, as they've usually
possessed it already. They had a drive that fueled their passion, and I
would only stand by as an attentive fan, honored just to be involved with
their "art." Now, I feel that if I meet someone without that core belief in
themselves, to them I can be of help. I feel that I now have a credibility,
a foundation that I can introduce them to. It's still completely up to them
to find their own strengths and weaknesses. Isn't it nice, though, to have
the support of others in this sometimes cold world of greed and uncaring?
To accept the differences that we all have is a major goal of Apartment E.
Accepting the differences and celebrating the sameness. Aren't we all made
of the same things? We are all the same race ... the human race. So much can
be learned, so much can be taught. An open mind is what I'm most thankful
for. The diverse crowds that the parties draw. The excitement of not knowing
who will walk in the door next has fueled the events to incredible
proportions. I will now share some of my past influences on what I consider
some of the most talented people I have been blessed to be around.
Small town Louisiana provided many colorful characters because they believed
in what they were about. More importantly (whatever they did), they
entertained me and made a difference in my life. My daddy, Frank J. Messina,
Sr., was and still is the best dancer I've ever known. He, to this day, will
challenge anyone to "outdo" him on the dance floor. I'm talking the
Jitterbug, and if anyone does not know what the Jitterbug is, then I dare
say you have not seen real dancing! Every age has its own dance style. Daddy
is the "king" of this one. With his commanding way of taking over a dance
floor, capturing that moment of excitement with a partner in full jitterbug
swing. You just have to understand the utter awe that I hold for my
flesh-and-blood father entertaining the crowd, working them into a frenzy,
and making them momentarily forget their troubles. This is where you can
begin to see the origin of my sense of joy, and where my true love comes
from when I see true talent. True talent indeed! That which comes from the
heart, that which is passionate, meaningful to the performer. Able to be
shared to another person and truly accepted by the audience, not
particularly for the act itself, yet for the expedition of the conviction of
the 'passion' given. I thank my dad for giving me this strong memory to
always judge all acts and people with an open mind and a welcome embrace.
My grandfather played the piano. That was my first experience with this
grand instrument. Grand-paw would play "old ragtime and blues." I would sit
in amazement, my feet not touching the floor and swinging wildly, as
Grandpa's fingers would do a dance on the keys. What magic they possessed I
only hoped to gain one day. He taught me "Heart and Soul," I can still feel
his presence on that bench every time I play that song. What a fitting name
for a song shared by so many people. Simple little song? I think not!
I did not know my grandmother on my mom's side. They say that she played the
piano for the silent movies in New Orleans. She loved the song "Silent
Night." When she died, she seemed to be relieved from her pain, and it was
said that she was singing "Silent Night" with the angels. My brother Joe was
given an acoustic 6-string guitar at a very young age. As we got older, his
self-taught talent made us take notice. The bathroom became his private
studio - he said the acoustics were better. True enough, I guess, but more
importantly it gave Joe the privacy he needed to be alone in his own world.
One that no one was allowed to enter unless he invited you in. Oh - what a
wonderful visit that would be, too! Dan Fogelberg, Jim Croce, and James
Taylor never sounded better. Magic coming from Joe's soul, and his guitar's
heart. I claim to be his biggest fan. Joe has written numerous original
songs. He has many more years to give his passion to us. If there ever comes
a time when Joe decides not to play, there will be an eagle somewhere with a
broken wing and a lonely wolf pup will lose his way. I hope that day will
not be one of my own to see.
I dated a girl named Nan Waldrop. We were high school sweethearts. She was
beautiful and her singing was incredible. Nan would sing to me always. It
didn't matter what song. Her singing accapella to me were my favorite times
I would lie my head in her lap, and she would gently rub my hair until I
dozed off to sleep. What a sweet memory that is. In my adult college years I
seemed to start surrounding myself with many talented people. One individual
that stands out from the rest is my friend Brian Blair. I am proud to say
that we've remained the best of friends for many years now. Brian is an
incomparable piano player. Playing the piano is his talent, but it's deeper
than that. It's his life's passion. Studying that piano all of his life has
not always been easy. He has expressed to me that the stigma of this young
kid being so engrossed with the instrument was a problem. He was expected to
be interested in other more common hobbies, like cars, sports, and the like.
I personally have never heard a piano played with so much power as Brian
exerts. We are friends for far more reasons than that he is talented and
well-known. Brian has taught me the most important lesson about performing
and entertaining, and that is ... to follow the crowd is not a good idea. To
sell out and be common is not healthy. To believe in yourself, your
credibility in life, and your own self-worth to society, is all that
matters. What other people think about you does not matter when your passion
is at stake! Basically, if you believe in what you are, and you believe in
what you do, then others will believe in you, too. I found myself being
passive and drawn toward this talented, positive person. I realized that I
had to find my own way. It was hard, but that is when I moved to Orlando.
Thank you, Brian, for giving me the strength to search for my purpose. Of
course, when I kicked off the Apartment E parties, I just had to have Brian
there He showed up! Brian became the first performer of a long tradition,
and he tore the house down! He matched up with a new friend, Suzanne (a
great singer whom I'd met at a few local music scenes), and gave a small
group of 15 people a night to remember. They gave me an incredible gift
called APARTMENT E.
There was a small English pub that I liked a lot in Orlando called the "Bull
and Bush." One night, I had spotted a piano there, and I "just" happened to
know a great piano player (Brian), and I saw a party! I sent out invitations
to 30 of my closest friends. I told them that it was a formal event, and to
trust me. I didn't quite know what was happening until there we were,
toasting with wine to the beginning of a gathering of good feelings and
friends that would continue until today. That Monday night we had truly
invaded this small, unsuspecting bar in a big way. I felt it was a good
night of the week. I like Mondays, because I don't want anyone to ever
consider that I'm competing for any bar's business. Most of the friends that
I had then worked weekends. Also - a favorite past hangout of mine, "Below
Zero," was held on Mondays. I had always liked the feeling that I had found
something a "little to the left," and something "not so common" to do for
entertainment. Below Zero was an open art party, and I had always felt that
the music was missing - LIVE music. Thus, the original thought that became
Apartment E was born. Persistence always pays off.
After that first night of Apartment E at the pub, I knew that something
wonderful had happened. Brian and I went to Key West the next morning.
Driving down to the end of Florida, I felt that I was being treated to a
private experience. A new door was opening in my life. Having these two
enormous bodies of water on each side of you, but not threatening, you keep
driving, pushing forward. This seemed symbolic of my emotional journey
through time. Trying to reach a destination always, at times being nearly
smothered by outside forces so great trying to keep you from your goal.
Then, with a smooth glide over the next hill, our journey seemed to be
ending. Key West. No not-ending. Just like my personal journey to reach
Apartment E's success. I consider it a new beginning. One of the purest kind
because it's origin and history are pure and simple. Right down to the name
itself. The simple name allows Apartment E to remain humble. Which is the
way I like it. I never want one of my parties to be threatening in any way.
I want that little guy with a song in his head that he's never shared NOT to
be afraid to get on stage, and give it his all. That artist, with the
unframed, rolled-up drawing under his arm, not to be hesitant to "show" it
for the first time. More importantly, I want that first-timer at an
Apartment E party to be able to walk into the room and instantly feel the
warm security of our caring, nurturing atmosphere.
My wish is for everyone to enter with something to give and to leave
satisfied knowing that they have given. |
|
Chapter 3 June 11th,2003 |
|
Holding on to a dream is really not the difficult part! I’ve been holding on
to this dream now for 10 years. As sure as this pen has ink, so does my soul
still contain the full strength of my passion for something that I can only
explain and call APARTMENT E.
So Frankie? “Tell them what you do.” “Tell them about Apartment E!”
This statement seems to come up always when I am least expecting it to.
My answer- well, (after giving a quick glance down at the floor, a
recently-adopted reaction), is pretty unclear to others. To me, this
displays humbleness, to others I believe it displays low confidence and a
hesitation to share my greatest achievement in life so far. Before I can
open up and share all my thoughts and knowledge of all that Apartment E has
become to me and the impact that it has had on me and my every move in life
...
before I attempt to explain what Apartment E means to me ... I first listen
to what the person with me describes. What a huge thrill! Basically to have
another person describe “your” dream, tailored to “their” perception. I’m
always honored and usually relieved when the description is short and to the
point
My close friends have been near me since the beginning of this sometimes
wild ride. They’ve watched it grow. They can recall the numerous parties and
events. The varied locations around town that have allowed creativity to
stretch its arms into their spaces, the nights were sometimes experimental
and pretty normal, other times bordering on greatness. The actual events
pale in comparison to the great array of individuals whom have given to the
energy of each night, and those same individuals are solely responsible for
that little proud smirk I get when I sit alone and remember that special
moment when, for no better term, “magic happened.”
Sure, there have been guitars, keyboards, microphones (along with the
static), huge canvasses of artwork, turntables, body paint, beer, wine,
glitter, and grunge. A by-product of all the years spent birthing, planning,
executing, and recovering from some incredible events, all the while
obtaining the reward of building a respectable reputation in Orlando.
Dream realized - period.
Yet, to be quite honest - which I feel is my strongpoint in all this - I
have not always been very good to myself along the way (not always). I could
give out excuses for my behavior. I could try to justify it to have everyone
proud of me. Yet Apartment E is not only my story now. I would love to be
able to share this continuation of “my story of myself and my dream” without
a mention of my disappointments in myself. Yet, I feel that for my own self
worth, I must remain honest. My main problem was that I feared success, and
I reacted negatively to it. I have felt accomplishments beyond words for
Apartment E’s success. I believe so much so that I have personally ignored
the main themes of Apartment E. My own themes and encouraging words have
fallen out of my own sight at times. “Practice what you preach” comes to
mind, or “You Frankie? Not you? How could that happen? You were the one who
sat in that empty apartment and envisioned a better life for yourself and
your friends, and then went out and actually did it!
"You pushed people to pursue their hopes and dreams, created a vehicle that
individuals could attach to and then give them the confidence to get the job
done." I occasionally walk in a room and receive positive nods and friendly
waves from people who possibly have one memory of one party somewhere, yet
they remember it fondly. This makes me proud and grateful, and hard work is
appreciated. Yet the fact still remains, there is a piece missing.
The success of Apartment E as a business is off to an incredible beginning.
The future is bright, “no doubt.” So allow me to leave myself out of the
picture here. The bigger issue at hand is what has been created here. The
state of Apartment E, and your involvement in it.
If we continue to present positive events and collaborate and involve others
to create an open forum of good feelings and positive actions, opposed to
events that are no less than egotistical gatherings of self-proclaimed
masters of culture, and people who think that culture begins with them.
Those that don’t understand that communication and networking are the key to
a city’s success, then we and Apartment E cannot lose. Everyone wins and
everyone benefits. For there is strength in numbers, and Apartment - E if
not anything else - has touched many lives in many different ways.
I’m proud of how far we have come. Really, I achieved what I wanted to do.
We gave Orlando an alternative place to express themselves, and a starting
point to learn about myself. My true self.
That process is always in constant turmoil. It’s been said that “when you
think you know all the answers, then you are finished.” And “Life is a
constant learning ground.” Good times, bad times, times when decisions are
crystal-clear, and times when indecisiveness and doubt creeps in and
overwhelms you.
The stance that you take in life is ultimately in your hands, as it is mine.
I choose to remain patient, still, and open to what lies ahead. You may
choose to be pro-active. Pushing seems to work for many. Apartment E’s
future and my personal goals have run parallel, yet slightly different
courses.
Sure, Apartment E is very special to me, and I will always be it’s
originator and father. Yet, I am moving it toward a larger “playground” now.
Personally, the garden needs to be turned.
I am offering now an invitation to anyone and everyone that has a relation
to Apartment E (my baby). Treat it as your own! Give it some new life,
nurture it as I do, teach it anew. Sleep with it, wake it from its dormant
cycle, and sometimes-disillusioned dreams.
Go ahead - I have faith I you. For I have faith in it, and faith in the
future.
A dream that has grown so bold that it has turned on its father and seeks
other caretakers, is not one to be handled gently or with weak intentions.
Give it your love and guidance, but also let it feel your sternness and
power.
We are kicking off many new projects now. Apartment E is always going to be
around. Planted into our city’s history as an entity that contributes
positively to its cultural growth. It also has allowed me to “tell my
story.” Now it’s time to tell “your” story. Join us on this journey of
discovery. Tell others about this “vehicle” that accepts all passengers. By
understanding the past, we more clearly can navigate the future. What’s
holding you back from your passion? Grab that paintbrush, pick up that
guitar, write those words down, and share them with another. Get busy! Get
real.
Only you can hide your power from the world, and only you can “give” it.
Which brings us back to where it all began - just a few short cold nights
ago, in that small 2-room, low-rent, cold apartment. Where one man, one
thought, and one dream became one reality.
“All that is not given, is lost”……
Wow! what a neat saying!
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Chapter 4
September
2,2005 So here I am . Been a while since I decided to write with the intent of
continuing "The Story of Apartment E"- which basically you all know by now,
is really a story about what has happened to me and my ideas, the people
that have come in and out of my life, and my burning desire and dreams about
opening a real location ,to be able to convey new ideas and build new
memories for Orlando, and then the world. I so far have "given" it away. By
"It" I mean the idea of Apartment E.
I expressed for others to take care of it as if it were your own. I
explained that I would be moving to bigger playgrounds. That life had made a
turn for me and the future would be bigger and more focused than ever
before. In many ways all the fore-mentioned happened. In other ways there
have been great learning experiences. I hope I can stay awake to write of
these things. I have a million things to express here.. I moved once again
to a location that I feel has given me more focus than ever before. A
building came up for sale. My old friend Glenn Dobkin asked me to come take
a look at it one day. Driving up I noticed an "A" frame little office
building. Glenn had desires to buy it. Turning the back yard into his
"Working" studio, and the front structure could be rented to a business of
some kind.
I instantly liked the place. It did not occur to me that later Glenn figured
all along that it would be good for me and my idea of opening a "Real"
location for APARTMENT E.. I moved in the next month. It took an entire
month to paint and prepare it for what I imagined it to be. I pulled up the
carpet, painted the walls a vibrant Jamaican Yellow. Hard ,hard, work. I
even refinished the wood floors. Moved all my things in . In boxes piled up
to the ceiling. I had no bed, no couch, no "normal" furniture. My collected
chairs and unfinished projects (tables, art pieces, etc.) loaded the small
place up totally. There was literally one walking trail from the front door
, to the bathroom, and to the back door. an act of either love or insanity
pushed me headfirst into months of disorganized living. I had really
confused all my friends about me now. Debbie gets special thanks for letting
me take showers at her house for about 11 months. I have since made a
make-shift shower on the back deck. It's nice though. I worked really hard
at this. Most nights I would come home, turn up my new found music
obsession, "Bright Eyes"., and just go through boxes and boxes of what I
know contains a fully stocked artshouse. Creating each wall and room, as
it's own separate art piece. The most impressive part is the front room. The
entire ceiling is covered with pages from old textbooks, and 40's sheet
music.
I started going out only once a week to a poetry night called "Speakeasy" at
the local bar, Will's Pub. I felt for the first time that I could
concentrate on my writings and possibly get the confidence to get on the
stage and share them in public. Since I have gotten on that stage ,and
actually read a lot from this very story. In the beginning I started just
telling stories, my real life is pretty goofy. You know what? People seemed
to enjoy that side of me more than the writings and poems. I run into a lot
of folks that have heard of APARTMENT E. They may not know what the heck it
is, but they have heard of it. This feels me with pride beyond belief. I
feel that through all these years, I am finally at the point I am satisfied
with the starting of my dream.. I'm at the strongest I've ever been, and
It's time to "open" for business. But Whoa! Wait a minute Frankie! (I hear
you , okay), What about you? What about Frankie's problems? That drinking
problem that you so well have not been able to stop at any one long time in
the last few years.. Sure you are productive, and you like to partake
sometimes a little too much of the crazy water. What about that inability to
take the risk of meeting someone new for a lasting relationship. Well...
maybe my personal problems are still there, but there is a difference now..
My ability to talk about them and ACCEPT my faults has also survived the
years. I have become more conscience of my actions. I take the blame too.
I am careful not to harm anyone's feelings, and I am known as a true friend
to many. I am constantly meeting new people that seem to "get it". My idea
of believing in yourself, living your true life, and treating yourself with
kindness and love. Doing what you can everyday to better those around you,
and to continue to be self-conscience of the goodness of the world. I was
asked to write a few words to describe myself in an online profile. This is
what I wrote. Sometimes a teacher, always a student. Most times a mirror,
sometimes a door. Sometimes a port, always a vessel. Never a stranger,
always a friend. I think that says it all. If I have the ability to continue
to the next phase of my personal and business life at this positive pace.
Then I am thankful and blessed!
If at this moment my life is cut short, taken from me, then I am content in
knowing that these words that I have written will inspire or push even one
person to improve the world, then I am happy, and my job is done. I am not
through though . I am moving forward with this history behind me. I am 44
now- wow where have the years gone? No one believes me when I say how old I
am. I will have a real physical place for APARTMENT E one day, and I will
continue to write about it. The place I am in now, I call "Poets- Acoustic
Artshouse." There are at least 4 definite venues in my mind that need to be
opened. I have complete confidence that the time is very near. The
separation between my personal life "stuff", and the physical things for an
actual business (whatever that may be) is in the staging area. I have
incorporated the name "APARTMENT E", I am happy with the progress of things.
Someone special is around the corner too. I am flying home now to a family
funeral. The worst disaster to ever hit U.S. shores happened 4 days ago.
Hurricane Katrina. Sure does put yourself into "check". "All that is not
given, is lost" rings true once again in my life.
I am wondering about all this stuff around me. All the pictures, artwork,
boxes, furniture, all the things I'm so carefully choosing to go into my
future business. Well, it could all be gone tomorrow. I say, "get your stuff
away from you, and see what you are really made of sometime. "God bless the
ones who have lost it all, and God help the ones who have not yet" Love
every minute. I'll end with a saying that I am borrowing from a new creative
person in town. Holly Riggs. "Do what you love to do-Right now!". Good luck
with your decisions!, Thanks for reading.
The plane is landing. -
Put the seats in an upright position, put all personal things away. Yea
right!, just try to take my personal things from me. I have worked too hard
to know what they are. My passions, my love, my integrity, my dreams, my
desires, my truthfulness, my mistakes, ( yea- I have earned them the most).
No one will take these from me, and no one has the right to take them from
"you" either.
It is now safe to walk around the cabin.. Thank you for flying with me. |
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Final Chapter Why We Walk
December 24th, 2009 |
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I have a friend that's being used, and I need to go help him.
It's all about the things we do. The giving, the gratitude, the
handshakes, the sacrifices, the graces. It's all about who we
effect. The beggar, the banker, the sculptor, the subject, the
musician, the guitar, the writer, the paper, the artist, the
paint...............er.
Why we walk?
It's all about these things. Not "Who we are", or even- our-
names. Names are forgotten. Titles are tainted. Actions speak
volumes, movements last forever. Changing lives, and their
children's lives. Us. Clouds roll from white to black. Mother
rolls through space in directions there and back again, and not,
in unison with "my" legs. Rather in -
Waves of north, holding echos of south. Eastern homes giving
hearth to Western wanderers. On the brink of giving back to our
containers of safe. Leading us all back to her, holding me, Back
to you, holding hope, searching still, trying to "Feel" love.
Then dying only to awaken to a love again.
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the story of apartment e |
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thank you for reading all this....... it's been a great journey
into my personal and public life.,Frankie |
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